Once Upon a Marriage Decree
by SweetTale4u
Summary: A decree is passed, two very suspecting people are put in a position, that may lead to a number of positions, that might not be that bad...
1. Chapter 1

_** I don't own the characters, we all know this, and I just borrow them for my own twisted amusement and hopefully yours! ** _

**Chapter I**

The Decree:

Due to the losses of the war and the steady decline in the birth rate the Ministry of Magic has no recourse but to institute a Marriage Decree. These pairings will be made for those that are not currently in a relationship and will be done using an ancient spell that when used will find the pair of those most likely to produce magical heirs and sustain a marriage on common grounds and compatibility. Due to concerns raised in the past, the couple will not be required to immediately produce children, they will be allowed time to become comfortable with each other to assure the future success of the marriage, a maximum time frame of 18 months for conception will be allowed. The marriage however must take place within 7 days of notification and will require that it be consummated as per previous ministry standards (7-14 days).

More details will follow.

HG

'_Bloody, sodding hell! Not again_!' Hermione Granger launched her Daily Prophet at the ground near her kitchen nook. She couldn't believe they were trying this shite again! Last time they tried this she stomped and shouted and made her way down to the Minister's office with a group of other outraged witches that were not going to have their wombs taken hostage in the name of magic. Their protests along with some angry news writing and a letter writing campaign were enough to get the decree put on the back burner but they knew then it would only be a matter of time before they tried it again, well it had been three years and here they were again. It seems the small boom after the war wasn't enough to satiate their desire to have new blood infused into the mix.

She knew what this would mean; she knew that she was one of the ONLY females her age not spoken for. She was the girl who helped _the boy-that-wouldn't- die and his orange friend_. She loved her boys but she loved them like brothers so when Ronald took off with Fleur's sister the summer after the war, Hermione took it as a stroke of luck to end Mrs. Weasley's insistence that she marry her youngest boy.

She could never envision herself with a gaggle of kids, she barely had time for herself let alone kids not with all the work she had to get done for her courses and to now prepare for her new job. She sometimes wished she had the time turner again, that way she would always have time, then again she would probably be 90 while everyone else was still in their 20's. Time turner logic, go figure.

So here it was again, a Marriage Decree and they seem intent on pairing her off with some poor unsuspecting wizard who probably was single for a number of very undesirable reasons. The minister told her last time that she better not think about protesting again lest she find herself without a wand and out of the wizarding world all together. The thought alone sent a shiver down her spine, do you know how tough doing laundry without magic is?

She would have to bite the proverbial bullet as her father used to say, and make a go at it. She was getting older (well 22 isn't old, even with a time turner) and the men certainly weren't beating down her door. She wasn't that bad to look at, sure she wasn't a drop dead stunner but she had passable eyes and good skin, so what if her hair looked like it had fought a Kneazle and lost? Really who was she kidding, she had a few extra pounds on her that added to the curves she got from her mom and a head full of unmanageable hair, she was lucky if they didn't pair her with Filch!

Who knows maybe they will get it right and pair her with some drop dead sexy wizard with sex on the brain and she can finally get this virginity thing out of the way.

She walked over to her mirror and looked at herself. The last three years at university had gone very quickly with advanced classes and a double course load; she finished at the top of her class in record time. Her double major degree in Transfiguration and Magical History allowed her pick of teaching jobs but Hogwarts was home and she couldn't refuse Minerva's request. The time at university had opened her eyes to the world and she wanted to live a little, she tried making time to go out and make friends, but she was never really good at it to begin with. How she managed to keep Harry and Ron for so long puzzled her because they had absolutely nothing in common. Sure she talked to Ginny and Luna but they weren't as close as she would have like them all to be. The war had scattered them all to the four corners and she found herself alone a lot of the time, her books her companions. Damn that Trelawney, how did that twit know? Shaking her head she packed up the books she needed from her flat, the rest would be picked up during winter break. She didn't want to give up the flat yet, if things didn't go well at Hogwarts, she needed to have a place to come back to.

With one last look around her flat she eyed the Daily Prophet again, mocking her, with a flick of her wand it went up in flames.

"Ha, take that!" it was a hollow victory, shameless really but it was all she could do from slumping down and crying.

αααα

SS

"Minerva this is barbaric! Even you must realize that these decrees make no sense."

"Severus, please you are over reacting, many long lasting marriages have been formed by way of ministry intervention" Minerva tried to sound as calm and soothing as possible, but he knew, he knew that he would wind up a pawn in the ministry's witch hunt (excusing the pun). _'Let's get the former death eater married!'_ he could almost hear them tittering in the ministry office as they gathered the list of eligible bachelors.

He stomped away from her office back to the dungeons. He needed a drink, Hades it was quitting time somewhere.

He had been ranting and raving all robes-a-billowin' for the last three hours since the morning post had arrived. The teachers would be back this week to prepare for the start of term; this was not what Severus had in mind as a side for his breakfast omelet. He knew he would wind up on the receiving end of some long list of hags that had nothing in common with him, or some lonely crone with a wart the size of a small planet with that one long hair growing out of it that seems to blow gently in the wind when she speaks. _Bleh_ the image alone would keep him flaccid for a lifetime.

He knew he was no prize catch, seems the only thing he could catch was cold. He had been alone all his life not necessarily by choice. Having fallen for the wrong girl as a teenager and relegated to the 'friend zone' he had found it hard to find someone to live up to a ghost. After a while he didn't even bother trying, with what spying for both sides, teaching dunderheads and trying not to die from an overly menopausal Dark Lord, he had his hands full.

Lily had been his friend when no one else had and he misinterpreted her intentions like the overly hormonal teenaged wanker that he was and wound up hurting her, he had since made amends and spent the remaining years protecting the boy that would not be killed yet had to die and come back to save the world and his orange friend. He didn't include the fuzzy haired Granger, she took care of herself and except for that once he shielded them from Remus, she was pretty good on her feet. Too bad the other two were like anchors weighing down the poor girl. She was an annoying chit, but far too smart to waste it on them. But he knew what it was like to be alone, seems there is strength in numbers which would explain why Granger stuck with Dumb and slighter Dumber.

He knew he would be on the list of bachelor's. Hey maybe they would match him up with some tall, long legged witch with sex on the mind and he can finally get this virginity thing taken care of. Sure Severus, keep telling yourself you'll get someone even remotely likeable let alone attractive. All attractive witches were already taken, he would get stuck with a female version of him but hopefully her nose was a bit smaller. He raised his finger to trace the bridge of his nose. He looked at the mirror in profile, "it's not really that bad is it?"

'It matches the rest of your face' answered his reflection, damn these enchanted mirrors.

'Oh shut up!' Severus sneered and covered the mirror again.

What was he going to do? He was going to have to go through with it. The details, that Minerva had given him was that anyone that resisted would have their wands taken and they would be obliviated and left in Muggle London. They were still reeling from the protests by Granger and her friends a few years back. They had caused uproar, calling the practice of forced marriage medieval and that their wombs were not for hire. They had enlisted the help of Granger's nemesis Rita Skeeter to write a scathing editorial on how woman's rights were being ignored in the wizarding world and how this antiquated system would likely lead to dissent in the ranks of government and society. It was a great piece that Snape knew Granger had written, after 6 years of grading her essays, he knew her writing when she saw it, come to think of it Skeeter had shared a by-line with her, so he was sure Granger wrote it. He guessed this was coming back to bite them all in the arse.

He wondered if she had finally married Weasley, then she would be one of the lucky ones not having to put on a spectacle for the ministry. He wondered how long he would have to wait to find out who the ministry thought was a good match.

He swallowed the amber liquid in his glass, when it was all said and done, he was lonely and maybe this would not be such a bad thing.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II

She apparated to outside the gates at Hogwarts, she really wished they would at least allow them to apparated into the castle, this was murder getting her cat carrier and her trunks up the steep drive, even with the trunks magically shrunken it was a bit of a pain. She had come straight from her flat; she had no intention of seeing anyone she knew. She owled Ginny and canceled their lunch date, no doubt she wanted to discuss the news in the paper and Hermione was just not having it today, she needed to get settled in and right pissed to be honest.

As she made it to the top of the drive she saw she was being watched. Well if it wasn't the bat of the dungeon, Severus Snape. He leaned his lithe figure against the archway to the entrance, his legs crossed at the ankle. She could smell the Ogden's on him and she was still a few feet away.

'Miss Granger, or shall I say Mrs. Weasley?"

"What? You are madder than you are drunk if you think I would marry that orange tosser!" At this point she cared little for decorum or manners, she was not having a good day and to have Donnie Darko here creeping along the corridor was just the icing on her cake.

"Hey instead of asking so many inappropriate questions, how about you give me a hand huh Severus?" she was damned if she would call him professor, that moniker played out in too many of her erotic fantasies to be said without a flush of her cheeks.

"I do not recall giving you permission to use my given name Miss Granger"

"I don't remember asking either, so how's about you do a little more of this" she motioned to her bags "and a little less of this" she moved her hand like a talking mouth as she turned and headed to her assigned room.

"_Well I never_"

"Well you never will either if you keep yakking away, so put a cork in it and help me out will you, I am not having a good day" she barked back as she made it to the portrait.

"Rochester" she spoke the password to the portrait and it swung open to let her and Snape in, regardless of how she had snapped at him, he was carrying Crookshanks as well as another two small bags.

"Interesting password" he mumbled as he let Crookshanks' carrier down and opened it. The orange ball of mischief meowed and stretched as he wrapped his traitorous self around Severus' legs.

"I think he likes you Severus" she smirked as she put her things down. Looking around the room would need a little sprucing up, but first to the kitchens, she needed a drink.

"Well thanks Severus, I'm looking forward to working here with you"

"Miss Granger, you won't be working with me" as he said this he pulled a non-existent piece of lint from his impeccable black robes. Did the man own anything that wasn't black? She would let her mind wander, but feared without the liquor the day dreams would be very G-rated.

"Whatever Severus, thanks again" she moved towards the door motioning him to follow. The sooner she got him out of there the sooner she could settle in and mull on her coming nuptials.

"So Miss Granger, if you did not marry Weasley does that mean you are single?" he asked almost nonchalant.

"Not for long if the ministry has anything to do with it. Damn those bastards!" she muttered under her breath.

"Interesting"

"So Severus, you smell like you know your way around a liquor cabinet, do you know where in the castle I can get some?"

His answer was a raised eyebrow.

Two hours later they were royally pissed and planning how to take down the ministry.

Three hours later they were crying about how many had been lost the war and how life wasn't fair.

Five hours later they wondered maybe it wouldn't be so bad and who would be their ministry matched partner.

Six hours later, she had passed on his couch, he on the floor. The house elves had never seen so many empty bottles.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III

I mean it's the dungeons, how the hell is their sunlight in here? Merlin's beard what was that noise, it was so loud. She looked around and found the source of the noise was the labored breathing from her former potion's professor and new drinking buddy Severus Snape. He was face down in what she hoped was liquor holding an empty bottle of Firewhiskey like a teddy bear. She heard him mumble something about his nose and it not being that bad before she made his bathroom her home for the next hour. She retched and honestly did not remember even eating half of the stuff she saw just now but the liquor was not intent on staying in her. An hour later and a very warm shower had her walking out into Snape's room clad in his bathrobe which was black, no surprise there, and very fluffy (very surprised there).

She wondered to herself if she should help the man up from the floor; try to allow him to keep some dignity. Nah, he was hungry now and no use in waking the man before tea had come. She summoned a house elf and ordering a tray she settled in on Snape's couch with a book off his bookshelf. When the tea came she made up her cup and poured him one along with a hangover potion she had found in his bathroom cabinet, seemed the man was very well stocked in those.

She walked over and shook him a little, she knew his wand was on the table by the sofa so hexing her was not a fear. "Severus, breakfast is here, come on man get up"

"I don't want to go mum, you can't make me!" he mumbled as he finally opened his eyes and saw that it was not his mummy waking him but someone intent on talking extremely loud and incredibly close from the looks of it.

"Woman, are you wearing my robe?"

"Yes I am looks better on me doesn't it?" she smiled as she modeled it a bit.

He shrugged a little and sat up, his eyes adjusting to the unnatural brightness of the room.

"Why is it that there is sunshine in your rooms Severus, you are in the dungeon, this is murder for a hangover"

"Tell me about it. You can thank our illustrious ex-headmaster for that, Albus thought it would be best that I have some connection to the outside world, to keep my transformation into bat complete. So he charmed my rooms to reflect sunlight in. There is nothing I can do to get rid of it, the old man is dead and still the charm stands. I figure that Filius must still keep it up to honor the old man's wishes" Snape found the teacup and downed the potion in one fell swoop.

"Oh that hit the spot, thank you Miss Granger" grabbing a slice of toast from her plate, he settled with his back against the settee, his legs outstretched in front of him, he looked like a child.

"Enough of this Miss Granger business, I thought we agreed last night to not be so formal."

"We agree to a lot last night, but I am sure you will not hold me to streaking naked through the Quidditch pitch if Slytherin loses to Gryffindor in house points this year."

"You better believe I am going to hold you to that Severus, that was my favorite bet of the night!" she reared her head back and laughed.

He noted that she had a beautiful laugh; it was rich and light, like a good cup of coffee. He also remembered they had a good time the night before. Plotting their revenge of the ministry and gossiping about the students that were in class with her, as well as letting her in on some of the gossip of the professors. He thought he finally had an ally here.

"Well Severus, thanks again for last night, I really needed it. I should get going, I still have to unpack and meet with Minerva this morning. Do you mind?" she motioned at the bathrobe.

"Keep it, it does look better on you anyway" he sipped his tea and took a bite out of his toast, all the while still sitting on the floor by the small coffee table.

"Thanks Severus"

"Listen I have to go into Hogsmeade for some ingredients, do you want to maybe get some lunch?" he asked not looking at her for fear she might say no. Not that he cared really, but it was nice to have someone to pass the time with.

"Sure, that would be great, come around my rooms when you're ready, you know the password, just let yourself in, I will set the wards for you" and with that she was gone.

He couldn't help the smile on his face, it kind of hurt, it wasn't something he did often.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter IV

He stepped into her rooms.

"I'll be right out" she called to him from her bedroom. He looked around and had seen she had made a lot of improvements in very little time. It was only 1pm and she had gotten it all done, bookshelves and reorganizing, all he had managed to do was get off the floor without peeing himself and then quickly fallen back asleep.

"Sure" he called back as he did she came out still pulling her jumper down, he caught a brief glimpse of the flesh.

"You ready to go? I could eat a hippogriff!" she grabbed her wand and pocketed it in her blue jeans, picking up a book she tossed it to him. He caught it in midflight and perused the cover.

"Thought you might want to light reading" she smiled and grabbed his arm as they headed out the door.

"What makes you think I will like a Muggle writer Mis"

"Hey, what did we talk about?" she scolded him playfully.

"Hermione"

"I think you need to live a little and indulge every once in a while in some fluff reading, and anyway this one is on the best seller list, you will like it."

He looked at the cover some more and tucked it into his robes.

"Severus, you aren't teaching today, why are you wearing your robes? I mean come on man its Saturday! Off, come on, off with them, you can leave it here and we'll get it when we come back."

"You are off your rocker woman; I will not remove my robes."

"I know for one you wear a Muggle type suit underneath, let's see then"

"Oh, okay" reluctantly he removed his teaching robe and revealed his black jacket and trousers, the crisp white linen shirt peeking out from his sleeves and collar. It was a good look.

"Very nice Severus, very nice indeed. You've been hiding well under the robes too long!" she said playfully. Certainly she could not think he looked that good. However the glint in her eye said differently and he could feel a flush slowly creeping up his neck.

"Let's go" she tucked her small hand into the crook of his arm and they were off. They parted ways to get the supplies they each needed quickly then made it back to the Three Broomsticks to grab a bite, they were both starved and apart from an occasional 'pass me the salt' they ate in relative quiet. Once they were done, they each leaned back and enjoyed the feeling of a full belly.

"Damn that was good Severus, I was starved, I didn't know drinking, cleaning and shopping could make someone so hungry"

"No argument there" he answered wiping his mouth again with his napkin and looking over the other patrons. Some had been staring since they arrived, it seemed that Hermione's laugh was a bit contagious and they had been laughing about a potion's article in the last monthly journal.

"People here in this town have too much time on their hands" she answered as though she had read his mind.

"There seems to be nothing to do except spread gossip and drink. Now that the Dark Lord is gone and the wars are over, there is nothing much in the way of excitement. With this new Marriage Decree most wizards and witches will be too busy shagging to do much of anything else, let alone start a war" he groused.

"So who will they stick you with?" she asked.

"Probably an old crone with warts and a proclivity for taxidermy" he laughed as he downed his drink.

"Lucky you, I like animals" she smiled.

He couldn't help it; his laughed roared over the other voices, he hadn't had a good laugh in a long time. This witch was funny; he only wished he had known earlier.

"Hermione, you are too much!"

"If I am, why am I still single Severus? Is there something wrong with me?" she motioned to her body.

"Hermione, if I knew what people were looking for in relationships, I would not be single either, seems were just some of those people that are not lucky in that particular part of our lives. The good thing is, you are young, and you still have your whole life in front of you. I am an old man that will marry a crone with a dead parakeet and a broken broom."

"Old man?! Please you aren't even fifty years old, what are you like 41? 42? For a man, even in the Muggle world, you are in your prime."

"Well you're not that bad yourself either"

"Let's go old man, before they send a search party"


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n: Thank you all for your kind reviews, I know that these characters are a bit out of character, but it's all about the fun. These two have a lot to learn. Reviews are like lemon drops, I just can't get enough! **

**Chapter 5**

The next few weeks went by rather quickly. Severus could not remember ever having so much fun this early in the term. Hermione was really a riot. Her faces and running commentary during the sorting ceremony had him in stiches.

'_I mean really, is the singing necessary? Seems old Godric had a perchance for musicals huh?'_

'_You don't know the half of it'_

Their laughing fits and whispering had the rest of the staff on edge, it was never good when Severus was happy, and it seems that he had a new partner in crime.

"It seems the two of you have become fast friends" Minerva commented over dinner one night in the great hall.

"Birds of a feather and all that jazz" Hermione mumbled as she dug into a mighty fine piece of steak.

"Yes well it seems that great minds do think alike Minerva" Severus drawled as he finished his shepherd's pie.

'Thicker than thieves by the looks of it' Minerva quipped as she finished off her meal.

Hermione threw a sideways smile at Severus. She couldn't help it, these last few weeks Severus had really made the transition here an easy one. Who knew he could be so much fun to be around, he was funny, snarky and brilliant. They never ran out of topics to talk about. They would patrol the halls together, crack jokes about the idiots at the ministry and sometimes even at their own coworkers, it really helped kill the monotony that came with the job; really there was only so much she could take of the students and their incessant questions. She wasn't that annoying ever was she?

"Do you really want an answer to that?" Severus asked, his eyebrow dancing dangerously high above his eye.

"How do you do that? I mean wow, you look like Spock!" She tried desperately to replicate the look and failed miserably.

"Oh I remember that show, my father was a fan. Your assumption is not logical woman!" Severus laughed at her attempts.

With that last statement she knew they had to call it a night.

Halloween was quickly approaching and the decision of the ministry would be upon them. They would each receive a letter in the coming days that would advise them of who the ministry had chosen, and unless they were already each in a committed relationship, they would have to marry who the ministry had chosen for them. Hermione wondered if they spun a magical wheel or just drew lots from a hat, maybe it was a magical hat? She giggled at the thought.

"Well it's almost time Severus, do you have your coattails ready for the big day?" she mused over their morning coffee ritual.

"You know Hermione, I haven't really thought all about it in recent weeks. I have to say your presence at the school has been a welcomed distraction from this ministry nonsense. You aren't nearly as annoying as you were when you were a student."

"Yeah well thanks Severus that almost sounded like a compliment. I would like to say the same, but I won't you have always been a distraction to me, you still are" Hermione let it out before she even had a second thought, verbal diarrhea dammit.

"What do you mean woman? _A distraction_?"

"Never mind" she waved off his query, "What are you going to do if they pair you with someone like Trelawney?"

"Goodness, I guess the same thing you would do if they paired you with Gilderoy"

"No thank you, not keen on nappies, especially those of a grown wizard!" she groused

"Arrg that is foul, thank you for that visual!"

They both laughed, they really didn't have a choice in what would happen to them, these may very well be their last few days to really enjoy their company before they each went off to start families with total strangers of the crone variety.

ααα

For the Halloween ball Hermione insisted that Severus dress up, he was known as the bat of the dungeons so she got him a batman cowl. Cheapest Halloween costume ever as the man was in black most of the time anyway.

She dressed up as CatWoman. Sexiest costume ever.

"You don't look like any cat I have ever seen…not that I'm complaining, seems there is a whole lot of cat in that suit" Severus' eyes shamelessly roamed the very tight fitting outfit.

"Watch out Batman, kitty has claws" she mimicked her best cat at which he laughed.

As they walked to the Great Hall Severus began to think how Hermione hadn't changed her password or wards, he could still come and go from her rooms at his discretion. He had also adjusted his wards and gave her the password so she can come and go as she wanted. They were really becoming friends, it was strange for him, people tended to avoid him at all costs, especially after the war. You would think a war hero would get some more love, but to be honest it had been worse than during the war. The looks of pity or disgust all but destroyed any pride he might have felt in his part in the victory over Voldemort. Hermione was different though; she didn't look down on him and kept him on his toes.

The woman got him in a batman cowl; he really was becoming a pushover for the young witch. He lagged a bit back and took in her figure in the cat suit…she could push me over for _that_ any day. Not that he would know where to start, damn this virginity. Damn this every present erection.

Both Hermione and Severus were the hit of the Halloween ball, their costumes were admired by both faculty and students, for the first time in many years, there wasn't a troll in the dungeons, there wasn't some attack on the school and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves thoroughly.

"I had fun Severus" she smiled at him as they walked her back to her rooms. She tucked her arm in the crook of his arm as she often did, he never shoved her off and it kept her from falling over in her heels. _Damn he looks good in that mask. _

"I have to admit that I enjoyed myself as well" _If you were a cat I would love to pet you, would you meow Hermione? _He went to remove his cowl.

"No wait, leave it on" she touched her hand to his to stop his motion. _She'd wanted to do this all night. _

"Why pray tell should I leave this on?" _I'll do anything you ask, you minx. _

_Now or never,_ "For this" she reached up and kissed him softly.

_She's kissing me! What do I do? Maybe I should move my lips, right? _

_I'm kissing him, oh my Gods I am kissing Severus, what do I do, just go with it Hermione!_

_She smells so good; I mean does she bathe in vanilla ice cream?_

_His mouth tastes like almonds, did we have almonds for dinner? What does mine taste like? Concentrate woman, ooh is that a tongue?_

_She opened her mouth, what do I do, is that a tongue? She tastes like cherry; did we have cherries for dinner? _

_Yes that is definitely a tongue, guess I should respond in kind. _

_Mmmmmm_

_Mmmmmm_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

He pulled her closer to him. _Now that I have her, what do I do? Focus man, you were a spy. Think…nope nothing….erection seemed to be the only think working along with his mouth. Brain seems to have checked out. _

She felt him pull her to him. _This is it, time to dance the horizontal mambo, make the beast with two backs, ride the baloney pony…this was it. What do I do with my hands, oops, not there, well hello Mister Snape aren't you happy to see me… that is definitely not his wand. _

He let his hands wander over her arse as he pulled her closer, it had looked so good all night as she danced, and he wondered if it felt as good. _Confirmation it does feel that good and better. She just touched me; I think I am going to burst. This is too fast; maybe she'll take the lead. She must have more experience, she did go to university. _

_Why isn't he making a move? _

_She seems to be content with just kissing; if I stay still maybe I can keep from bursting like a sixth year. _

_Maybe he wants to be a gentleman and take it slow. _

_Gods her tits feel fantastic. _

_This is going nowhere, I am aching and it isn't from the heels. _

Pulling back to catch their breath they looked at each other tentatively.

He took her hand and pressed it to his lips, "Good evening Hermione, tonight was…enlightening."

"Yes it was Severus" she let his name play on her lips and she put her hand on his shoulder and got close to his ear. With a flick of her tongue on his ear she whispered "I told you, you have always been a distraction for me, good night Sir" _He actually growled._

_I cannot believe I growled, oh wait, yes I did and the wet spot on my trousers can serve as a reminder later. _

She walked away as sensuously as possible; she wanted to make sure he got a good look at her. This was going great, they were friends and he obviously was attracted to her. Seems there may be hope for them to do a little more.

_That woman is going to be the death of me. _

_Gods that man makes me feel all alive inside. _

The following day they sat at breakfast, there was no awkwardness; to the contrary, they felt more at east than ever. Seems they crossed one little bridge and were both a bit happier for it.

The owls flew through the great hall dropping their letters and Hermione and Severus stared down at their sealed ministry letters.

"Maybe it's not the names yet, maybe it's something else?" she tried to sound hopeful.

"There is only one way to find out, with that they each broke their seals and read the following

**From the Office of the Minister**

Since you are one of the participants in our new ministry approved endeavor that have not recorded a pending engagement or relationship, you must be paired by the ministry.

In order to do so you are to report to Saint Mungo's for your ministry required physicals and testing before a suitable mate is chosen. The results of these tests as well as other pertinent records will be used to determine compatibility.

**You are to report to Saint Mungo's tomorrow November 2 at 9am.**

Fromaggio Fromunda

**Ministry of Magic-Marriage and Procreation Department**

"Mine says the same thing" she moaned tossing a piece of toast onto her plate. "Should we go together? We could grab some lunch afterwards?"

"Sounds good" he smiled. He didn't look forward to this continued interference on the part of the ministry but he was happy he would get to spend some time away from the school with Hermione.

"Hey don't worry, maybe it won't be that bad?" she put her hand on his arm, trying to reassure him.

She wondered who would reassure her later. Severus was a man, a sexy man that would make a good husband to any witch the ministry assigned, he also would not have to be pregnant. He could continue to work and his life would not change too much. For Hermione however things looked bleak, she would wind up barefoot and pregnant within a week. The women in her family were notoriously fertile. Her aunts used to say that they would just need to smell it and they would get pregnant. For a long time she wondered what it was they smelled, Hermione was always cautious afterwards not to go sniffing around anything, lest she fall with child. Her mother caught her covering her nose once and she explained what her aunts had said, Hermione's mother had not laughed so much ever. Her mother explained and to her embarrassment she actually blushed even remembering it now.

Nope, she was not going to dwell on it. She was going to enjoy whatever time she had left as a free woman and she planned on maintaining her friendship with Severus, although they wouldn't be able to do what they did last night _Gods that mouth, those hands…._reel it in Granger she chided herself. No use in putting any stock in anything more than friendship, with this decree she would be bound to someone before the year was out and she didn't want to risk a broken heart, for either of them.

She looked over and saw him looking at her briefly. His eyes were so dark and intense, she was sure he was working out some complicated potion in his head, mixing and matching potential ingredients, maybe discovering something ground breaking.

_I wonder if she feels that soft all over. _Severus thought to himself, she had caught him looking at her so he scowled and moved the food around his plate.

On Saturday morning they headed out to Saint Mungo's for their testing appointment. They split up as the men and the women were being looked at by different mediwitches and ministry officials. By the looks of it the cream of the crop (more like the bottom of the bucket) was gathered all with ministry letters in their clutches.

"There's the one for you Severus" Hermione elbowed him in the side as she motioned to a hideous witch that had more facial hair than Hagrid.

"Oh Gods Hermione, don't even fool like that" he felt the sting of bile in his throat. "I can see your suitor already as well" Severus pointed his chin towards Stanley Shunpike. The man had the face only a mother could love (a blind mother at that!).

"Oh bite me Severus" she huffed and with a rude hand gesture as she moved away to her appointed room.

"Is that an invitation?" he smirked as he walked away. He didn't hear her answer but that laugh was unmistakable.


	7. Chapter 7 The Interviews

**Chapter Seven **

**Severus' Interview **

**Ministry Official**: Mister Snape, I see here that you are a Potion's master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is that correct?

_Of course it was correct you twit, I taught you and your two idiot brothers. _

**Severus Snape**: Yes.

**Ministry Official**: It also states that you own a home at Spinner's End?

_Bloody hell did he have no secrets, what the hell did his house have to do with this, surely the witch they would assign would have her own place or was he expected to give it all up, well I will be damned, _

**Severus Snape**: Yes

**Ministry Official**: You were a death eater turned spy during the second war, is that correct?

_So the man can read, of course I was you blithering idiot, not to toot my own horn but I will have you know that I was a double spy, the James bloody Bond of the magical world, I helped the boy-who-lived-to-annoy-me and his orange friend defeat the dark lord. What kind of question is that?_

**Severus Snape**: Yes.

**Ministry Official**: How many sexual partners have you had Mister Snape?

_Huh? What? They needed to know this? What the hell for? Surely they don't expect me to come right out and tell them everything; I mean a man does have his need for privacy. Didn't he know he was too busy saving the world and all that to find someone to shag. This is lunacy I tell you, it's a scandal…_

**Severus Snape**: None.

**Ministry Official**: We do not mean this year Mister Snape, we mean _lifetime_.

_ #!%#!_

**Severus Snape**: The answer is none.

**Ministry Official**: Ahem….Okay let's move on then. Please sign and initial here, there will be no need for any further questions. Please follow the mediwitch for your diagnostic testing. You will be notified of our decision within the week or sooner. Thank you.

**Hermione's Interview**

**Ministry Official**: Miss Granger, it says here you are employed as a professor at Hogwarts School, is that correct?

**Hermione Granger**: Yes

**Ministry Official**: It says here that you own a flat in London, is that correct

_You will be damned if you are taking my flat away from me, I worked hard to keep that and I will not be persuaded otherwise, whatever wizard you assign better have his own perch to roost on because she was not giving up her flat without a fight_

**Hermione Granger**: Yes

**Ministry Official**: It says here you helped Harry Potter defeat the wizard known as Tom Riddle, is that correct?

_Well whoop dee doo, you can read! Of course I did, I was the brains behind the outfit, Harry was the chosen one, Ron the orange one and she was of course the only one among them that knew how to walk and chew gum at the same time. I mean those two couldn't find their arses with each other's wands! Yes siree, she helped defeat Voldemort, she was a war hero. I mean do you really need to ask, I was on the cover of Witch Weekly for Merlin's sake._

**Hermione Granger**: Yes.

**Ministry Official**: How many sexual partners have you had Miss Granger?

_What is this world coming to? I mean why do they need to know that? Is there a special pool us untouched virgins are sorted to? Is there a magical hat that will determine what cock will best suit me? This is a scandal, an outrage, how can they ask a woman such a personal question. Did they have no decency?_

**Hermione Granger**: None

**Ministry Official**: To clarify Miss Granger, we did mean how many partners have you had in total, _lifetime_?

_He's going to make me repeat it isn't he? What a bloody twat!_

**Hermione Granger**: None.

**Ministry Official**: Okay Miss Granger, please sign here and initial there. You will follow this mediwitch for the diagnostic testing and then you are free to go. You will be notified by owl before the end of the week or sooner.


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N**__**: Of course I don't own them. I just use them for my own devilish enjoyment. I thank you all for your delicious reviews, they are like cotton candy, and I can't get enough! Of course this is AU, as this pairing is not canon. Let's enjoy and no this isn't beta'd, this is just for shits and giggles and I hope you all enjoy. **_

**Chapter Eight**

"Keep em' coming" Hermione motioned to the bartender as she and Severus worked their way through their umpteenth round of drinks.

"It is just too much; I mean I have never been so humiliated, and I was a death eater!"

"….like a hog at a fair!" she agreed downing another shot.

They both went on like this for the better part of the rest of the day. Hermione didn't go into too many specifics when discussing her interview, but she knew he wasn't happy the moment she caught up with him exiting his physical.

"The nerve of you people!" Severus shouted at the small group of mediwitches that were trying desperately to have him keep his voice down.

"I will not lower my voice you insolent hag! I am not some side show exhibit you can gawk over!"

Hermione had come up and put a hand on his forearm and he had calm down immediately, but the look of fear and anger on his face had Hermione turning to give those mediwitches a piece of her mind.

The small group had been taking notes and tittering at Severus he tried closing his shirt with what little dignity he could muster, he had been mortified.

"How dare you? How dare you treat any of us the way you have? This man is a war hero, how dare you gawk and laugh at him? He deserves your respect, if not your admiration for all he did for the war cause, what did you tosspots do? Not a damn thing, that's what! Does the simple fact we have no desire to help propagate the next race of witches and wizards give you the right to parade us down here to force our hands or legs open for that matter."

_He had never been so aroused in his life._

_No one messes with her man, whoa where did that come from?_

"Miss Granger, if you would allow us we were just commenting…"

"Oh sod off!" Hermione called back to the mediwitch as she grabbed Snape's arm to lead them out of Saint Mungo's.

Here they were hours later and many, many pints later still fuming about the way they had been treated.

"So what d-did they ask you?" Severus asked as he ran his finger around the rim of his cup and nervously fidgeted with his napkin. He did all he could to not make eye contact with Hermione.

Hermione knew she was drunk and knowing this she should always keep quiet but even as she was telling herself not to answer, it tumbled out of her

"They had the nerve to ask me how many people I had fucked! Can you believe that Severus?"

"W-well what did you tell them?" Snape asked without thinking.

Now it was her turn to shoot an eyebrow up

"I-I mean you didn't answer them did you?" he tried to recover but it was already out there, he really wanted to know now.

"Well I told them the truth; I didn't think it would be wise to lie as whoever they place me with would know anyway"

"Yeah well me too" Snape agreed, although he could not for the life of it figure out what she meant by her answer. There was definitely too much alcohol involved in this conversation.

"You know what Severus" Hermione continued as she draped her arm on Severus' shoulder "I think we should stick it to them, we should just marry each other, yeah you and I know enough about potions, you can brew something to keep us from conceiving and we can wait it out then get divorced when this whole thing blows up in their face!" she poked his cheek a bit as so as to prove her point.

_Did she really just suggest we get married? Holy shit, what is in these drinks?_

"Another round please!" he shouted at the bartender, he definitely was not drunk enough for this conversation.

"W-what about the consummation part?" he asked nervously in his sweet baritone voice. Hermione felt a quiver all the way down to her toes.

"Well, I am sure we can figure that out now couldn't we? I am sure a worldly man like yourself knows enough about that to make it worth both our whiles?" she answered, her voice husky with desire.

_Me worldly? Ha! If she only knew that he had only managed to go around the world in 80 days with his own hand. This would be a disaster, but it was sweet, delicious Hermione. The know-it-all Gryffindor who had become his friend, who he felt at ease with and who made him harder than an icicle. Oh what the hell, he'd cross that bridge when they got there; there were enough books out there for him to find something to teach him what to do. _

"You know what Granger; you have a deal, let's do it!"

_Oh my Gods, did he just agree to what I think he did? Holy shit woman you just reeled in the potions master Severus Snape! What is in these drinks? Sweet Merlin, what the hell was she going to do now? He is surely expecting me to have experience, sure I talk a big game, but what am I going to do? I hope he has enough experience for both of us because I am at a loss, maybe a book, yes! Books have never let me down in the past. A book would offer a solution. _

"Great! Let's go back to the castle and in the morning we will owl the ministry to let them know!"

"Lead the way fiancé" he gestured to the door letting her pass. The gentlemanly gesture allowed him a very nice view of her posterior.

"Severus, if you want to look as my ass you need not be so Slytherin about it"

"I rather thought you might think less of me if I asked"

"Git!" _My git!_

"Wench!" _My wench!_

After a trip to the toilet and a dose of a hangover potion that Severus had left for her on her nightstand, she managed to dress and head towards the Great Hall. Severus had been waiting in her rooms to escort her to breakfast.

"How are you feeling?" he asked still wincing at the own sound of his voice. Tequila was a bitch and they had certainly been fucked by her the day before.

"Arrgg, normally your voice would make me quiver but at the moment it sounds like nails being run across a blackboard, I need coffee" she rubbed her temples as she stumbled into her chair at breakfast.

"I will endeavor to remember that Granger"

_Dammit the verbal diarrhea strikes again. _

"How did you sleep?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

"Oh my Gods I was knackered, I cannot even remember how we got back from the pub" she smiled, her eyes still hooded from sleep but her face alive with mirth. She was excited about their foray to the ministry to announce their engagement; they were really going to let them have it.

"Same here" he responded a smile making its way to the corner of his mouth.

"Careful Severus, the students might actually think you're human"

"Real funny Granger, don't quit your day job!"

"If we are going to do this we need to hurry and get down to the ministry, if they send their selections before we have a chance to petition them, we will be forced to marry our ministry approved choices" Hermione worried her bottom lip as she poured herself a cup of coffee and one for Severus.

"You are right, let's go right after breakfast"

Before they could even add the cream to their cups the mail came in. Dozens of owls spread across the hall distributing their cargo to the students who anxiously awaited news from home. Two owls however seemed to have other recipients in mind as they dropped letters in front of Severus and Hermione.

The seals on both letters indicated that they were from the ministry.

It was too late.

"Maybe if we don't open them, then we cannot be bound by it?" Hermione asked her eyes wide with hope.

"I want to see you try to ignore a missive from the Ministry Granger, you would be more successful ignoring a summons from the Dark Lord!"

"I refuse to open it, and I suggest you do the same"

No sooner had they tossed their letters into the fire in the great hall, two more owls came in and dropped two more letters, with similar seals, addressed to Severus and Hermione respectively.

They both stared at each other while receiving their fair share of looks from both the staff and the students in the great hall.

The letters went into the fire again as Hermione and Severus hurried to down their coffees and make it out the door to the apparition point before being confronted by two more owls, this time however they could not toss their letters as they began to smoke as they burst open and began to howl.

With some foolish wand waving, Severus destroyed both of them before they could shout out their news.

"That was a close one, smooth move Severus"

"Don't mention it Granger"

They hurried out of the castle and were soon at the ministry only to be handed the letters in person when they tried to file a petition.

"Shit!"

"Fuck!"

"We should have come yesterday Granger!"

"We were too pissed at the time to barely walk, let alone come back here. Don't you dare blame me, Severus Snape!"

She stomped off and Severus was left alone in the hallway of the ministry. Letter in hand, still unopened.

"_Congratulations Professor Snape" _a ministry ex-student of his said as he passed him in the hall and saw the letter of commitment.

"_Oh sod off!" _He barked at the interloper as he turned to head out after his little Gryffindor.

His one chance for happiness leaving in a whirl of hair and fury. _Gods she was beautiful when she was angry. _

Ω

She didn't know how she didn't splinch herself getting back to the castle. Her tears were all but blinding her; they had been too late to stop this atrocity of the ministry.

She tossed the letter atop her armoire and threw herself onto the bed. It was Sunday, there weren't any classes and all she wanted to do was sleep, at least while she dreamt, Severus was with her.

Her one chance of happiness seemed to have faded in a whirl of black robes and silky hair. _Gods he was sexy, all black robes and stern face. _

She punched her pillow a few times for good measure and quickly found a restless sleep.

She would not open the letter until she absolutely had to.

Ω

Sitting in front of the fire in his rooms, Ogden's on his side table and the amber liquid in his cup, Severus stared at the unopened letter on his coffee table.

This was a nightmare, this just couldn't be happening. They had been so close. Why hadn't he had the courage to bring it up days ago? Hell, he should have swept her off her feet the moment she walked up to the castle dragging her familiar and her luggage. Hermione had been on his mind for such a long time, she had been a difficult student yes, but brilliant and he had secretly admired her brilliance from afar. As she grew into a beautiful woman, he had admired a lot more about her.

She was beautiful and it had been her idea! He hadn't even been able to voice the idea when she just blurted out the solution. He was daft to not have taken her right there to the minister and married her on the spot! Now he would be saddled with some bearded lady with ten cats and a bird.

He was going to be miserable.

He hated birds.

Several glasses later, the letter was still unopened.

The following morning they headed off to class, neither one acknowledging the other too much for fear of a repeat of the outbursts at the ministry.

She smiled softly at him. _He missed her._

His eyes never left her as she walked out of the great hall. _She missed him. _

But it was for the best that they start to put some distance between them before they married their chosen partners. It would not look too good if they constantly hung around each other while betrothed or married to others. Severus decided he would wait until he absolutely had to open the letter. He refused to be bullied into it.

Hermione was also determined to open it on her own time.

She wondered if he wanted to do it at the same time, that way they could soften the blow.

Severus decided he would go to see her to ask her if she wanted to open the letter together, maybe over a bottle of Firewhiskey to drown their collective sorrows.

When Friday night rolled around Severus found himself staring at her door wondering if the wards had been changed, he was relieved they hadn't been, he was still welcomed.

"_Hermione?"_

"Come on back here, I am in the bath"

'_Oh good Gods, what did I do in a past life to deserve the site before me', _he thought to himself as he crossed the threshold to the large bathroom just in time to see Hermione getting out of the bathtub. The water glistened over her luscious breasts as small patches of bubbles still clung to her hips and legs. '_What he wouldn't give to be a towel right at that second!'_

"I-I-so sorry Hermione" He turned his face away as he backed up into the adjacent room humiliated that he had witnessed that scene. The tent was rapidly expanding in his trousers and he thanked Circe that he had his robes still on to cover the quickly rising need to take her and dry her with his tongue.

Wrapping herself in her bathrobe and sashaying out of her bathroom she smiled devilishly at Severus' reaction.

"If you wanted to see me naked Severus, you only had to ask" he gave him a quick kiss on his rapidly reddening cheek while patting him on the chest.

"You have no shame woman!" he tried to sound affronted, _he was anything but._

"And you love that about me don't you _Professor"_

The sound of her using his title almost had him coming in his trousers like a fifth year! The woman was too much for him. He suddenly realized it may have been a mistake to have come there tonight.

"I think I better leave Hermione"

She turned back to face him as she poured herself a drink, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, her hair wild from her bath. His breath caught.

_Dear Merlin she was beautiful. _

The light from her fireplace lit her features and bought highlights to the mane of wild that was her hair. She looked like a small lion waiting to pounce. But her eyes were sad. He didn't like to see her like that, he wondered if he was the cause of it.

"No Severus, don't leave. We need to do this, let's just get it over with."

For a moment his heart raced as he wondered what exactly she had in mind.

"I mean we have fought it, put it aside, and dragged it out. I mean, I don't see how we can fight it anymore"

"I agree" he realized she was moving closer to him, her lips dancing on the glass, her tongue darting out to taste the liquor. He found his body was meeting her halfway already.

"It was inevitable really. We knew this day would come and this would happen. The tension is killing me. We cannot wait anymore Severus" she placed her hand on his chest, her eyes looking up at him. He could feel the heat coming of her body mixed with the sweet smell of calla lilies and vanilla. He reached out, fisting a handful of bathrobe at her waist and pulling her a bit closer.

"Yes, yes, let's do it"

_He leaned his head down._

"Okay, let's open the letters together"

_Fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk!_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I don't own them; I just take them out to play. I want to thank you all those that are following the story and all those that took the time to review. I appreciate all of them. I am sorry this was delayed, but I have made it extra-long just to make it up. The next chapter should be up in a few days as well. Please enjoy the continuing adventures of the dynamic yet clueless duo!**

Chapter IX

_Good gods, she was going to kill me, she was literally going to stop my heart._ Adjusting his obvious need, Severus turned back and very unceremoniously plopped himself down into the chair by the fireplace. There was no style or grace to his demeanor at the moment, all rational thought rested in his _other _head. His threw his head back as he leaned against the back of the chair and pinching the bridge of his nose, he was more than frustrated. Obviously Hermione was not on the same page as he was.

_Sweet Merlin's balls, I can't believe I did that, but one step closer and I would have been climbing him like some devil's snare. _

It would not fare very well for those that had been chosen if they wandered down that path; she knew the way he was looking at her a second ago that if she would have kissed him she would not have been able to stop herself.

She sat on the sofa in front of the fire facing Severus. Their letters each lay on the coffee table in front of them. She tucked her feet underneath her and faced him again.

"Okay, no matter what these letters say, we must promise that we will do all we can to abide by the decision of the ministry and just get this" and she motioned between her and Severus "out of our heads"

_If she only knew it wasn't in his head it was a couple of places further south_

_If he only knew it wasn't in her head, it was everywhere else. _

"Her-Granger, there is no need to try and make this more than it was, we had a growing friendship and I will be somewhat….disappointed to see it end." He tried to keep his tone free of emotion but wasn't finding it too easy to do.

She wasn't going to push it, she knew that Severus was not a very expressive man and she could see he was suffering too. They didn't know what they had yet but it had felt like it was moving in the right direction. He was smart, sexy and funny, she could have seen it leading somewhere had it not been for this damn marriage decree, if only she had just suggested they marry sooner, then maybe…oh well, it was too late now.

"Me too" she whispered.

He looked and saw the tears were threatening to spill again and acted fast.

"No! We will have none of that, drink up and let's get this done, no use in holding it off any longer Granger." He waved his arm about and with a flick of his wand their glasses refilled and he held his up "Granger, you have become my best friend, my buoy in this endless sea of dunderheads and morons, it isn't goodbye, just…oh well…cheers"

She found she suddenly didn't feel like drinking too much. He had become her best friend too and she didn't want to lose him. She knew that as soon as they married others, whatever connection they shared would be lost to them.

She stood and walked over to him; she knelt down in front of him and put her hands on either side of his face.

"You listen to me Severus Snape, you are my best friend and no matter what that letter says, you will remain so." Never taking her eyes off his she leaned forward and kissed him. She didn't deepen the kiss; they both knew it would do no good. She rose from in front of him and he grabbed her wrist. Pulling her hand to his face he kissed her palm.

"I'm sorry I didn't act sooner" he murmured into her palm.

"So am I" she tucked a lose lock of his hair behind his ear but didn't elaborate further on his words but she was mostly speaking for herself as well.

"Let's promise again Severus that we will give all we can to make things work with whomever they have chosen and endeavor to forget everything else. Okay?"

"I will do no such thing…" he crossed his arms like a petulant child, his bottom lip threatening to pout.

_He looks so cute, Merlin help me. _

"Severus Snape…stop that, you know the binding will actually make you want to be with her, you will have no choice, there is no use acting like an overgrown three year old!" she chided him.

"Fine" he fought the urge to stick his tongue out at her "I promise to make the hag as happy as I can make her as well as her ten cats and bird"

She couldn't help but laugh.

_He was going to miss that laugh. It seemed to be reserved only for him. _

"Okay on the count of three, I will open yours and you can open mine, that way it softens the blow a bit, give me your wand" she held out her hand.

"Fine, give me yours."

The exchanged wands and letters and quietly counted "One. Two…three"

The ripple of magic coursed through the room as the letters opened; quickly Hermione put down Severus' wand and picked up the offensive missive.

Severus downed another tumbler of whiskey and picked up the letter lest he change his mind and toss it straight into the fire. He looked to Hermione that had gone pale as she quietly read his letter.

He looked down to her letter and began to read:

_**Miss Hermione Granger, **_

_**It is will pleasure that we inform you that after careful review and consideration the following wizard has been chosen as your mate. **_

**Severus Tobias Snape***

_**Has been chosen for his consistent and tiring dedication to academia as well as other levels of compatibility, please see below for details. **_

_**Please contact the ministry with any questions and to arrange an official be present at the binding ceremony. **_

_**Wishing you the best of wedded bliss,**_

_**Colin Jameson **_

_**Secretary to the Junior Undersecretary, Marriage Decree Department **_

Before he could read any further or even say anything, the letter fell out of his hand and he looked up to find Hermione leaping up into his arms wrapping herself around him. She peppered his face with kisses and hugged him. With her face buried in his neck he let out a breath and held her close, his arms shaking.

"So it seems it was good news?" he asked, he raised an eyebrow as he turned to see her smiling face.

"Oh yes Severus, can you believe it?" She momentarily extricated herself from his arms and went to retrieve the two letters. She came back and sat next to him.

"Let me read mine…yup they put the same thing on yours as well, what do you think this means Severus?" she pointed at the small asterisk by their names. "I have seen this before used in Muggle correspondence it usually means you need to refer to a key for further information."

"Let me see", he pulled the letter closer to see that his too had the small star by her name.

"Wait Severus, look here at the end of the letter under the conditions of the marriage here is the key and what it means, _virgo, intacto"_

Suddenly Severus felt the need to get up. "There has to be something wrong…" he started to nervously pace the room as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Severus is this, what I think it means?" _She could not believe that this man that practically oozed raw sex appeal was a virgin! What was he like almost 40 now? _

"Hermione it isn't like I had a lot of time to devote to courting a woman, what with dark lord summoning me at all hours, the torture, spying for the order, keeping the-boy-who-would-live-to-annoy and his orange friend and you from trouble every couple of weeks. I just never got around to it."

He then realized however that the little star was by her name too. He headed back and looked at his letter more closely. He smirked and pointed a very long and elegant finger at her name as well.

"Seems that you too have been somewhat exaggerating your charms my dear"

_Shit _"You noticed that huh?" she wondered if he had seen it.

"Yeah Miss _'If you wanted to see me naked Severus, you just needed to ask'_, seems that you are just as inexperienced as I am."

"Well its different isn't it? I'm a girl and also twenty years younger than you. I too have been busy with school and helping save Dumb and Dumber, I just didn't have time…like you said, there was a lot more going on" it was Hermione's turn to nervously pace the length of her small quarters.

"D-does _this,_ make a difference to you?" Severus asked without asking her, his voice low barely registering. _I sound like a fool; of course she wouldn't want some bumbling idiot taking her virginity. She wanted a sex god; he could feel it in her body when she touched him. He could almost see the pity in her eyes. This was a mistake. _

The mere question stopped her pacing. He was really concerned about this, she could tell in the way he rubbed the back of his neck. _God I love this man, yes, I do, I love this man. _

She didn't answer him; she ran to him and leapt into his arms wrapping her legs around him again. She almost knocked them both over. His hands tightened around her thighs as she clung to his neck pulling him closer. Her mouth was on him in a deep kiss. She explored his mouth with her tongue, tasting the vestiges of whiskey and nerves as he tentatively responded. When she tightened her hold on him, she instinctively ground herself against him causing him to groan.

"Hermione" he gasped out.

"Severus you listen to me, it does make a difference"

"I knew it, I should go" he started to put her down but before he could set her down. She leaned closer to his ear "You didn't let me finish Severus" her tongue tracing the shell of his ear.

"W-what more is there to say, huh Hermione? You expected me to be some suave and worldly lover with the smooth moves of a spy, instead you have an overgrown bore that loves books and drinks too much"

"You're wrong; I have someone that is hard working, loyal, fun, sarcastic, witty, and sexy and completely"… kiss…. "Totally"...kiss… "Mine."

"Oh"

"Yes oh, I am much too jealous to share Severus" she smiled shyly."

"Then I guess we will get on very well because just the idea that you had been with anyone else would have me hunting each one of them down one by one." He smirked at the young witch in his arms.

"Oh" she smiled and hugged him again.

"I was a death eater, I can do it you know" he tried to sound deadly but failed miserably as a smile spread across her face and she kissed his nose.

Sitting back on the sofa with the young witch on his lap they began to discuss how they would go about deciding on the wedding date. "Since we have waited an entire week to open our letters we need to do this relatively soon." Hermione read over the details again making sure they were still within the window prescribed by the ministry.

"Severus this letter says we have until this Sunday to wed or risk being sent to Azkaban for contempt. They don't require you consummate it yet, but the binding must take place."

"No point in waiting, is tomorrow evening soon enough for you Granger? I don't know about you but I don't wish my last kiss be to a dementor."

Hermione shuddered at the thought, while the dementors need to be ordered, they have sometimes found themselves wandering. They especially liked virgin souls.

"No time like the present, make the arrangements Severus, I need to send a couple of owls and in the morning I will go get something nice to wear. I can't get married in my teaching robes."

"So the _catsuit_ is out of the question is it?" he purred in her ear and buried his face in her neck, it sent shivers down her body.

She giggled and blushed. _She actually blushed and giggled; she really had it bad for this dark wizard._

"Maybe afterwards, if you're good!" she flirted, back to her old self.

"What if I'm bad?"

"Then_ you _can wear the catsuit!"

"No thank you!"

She jumped off his lap grabbing some parchment and her heavy robe.

"Where are you going Hermione?"

"To the owlery" she lied, she quickly slipped out of her rooms leaving Severus scrambling to get back to his room as well. There was a lot of research to be done for the wedding night.

She wondered if there would be anything in the restricted section. Or maybe she could floo Ginny or Lavender for some books on the subject of the wedding night.

A couple of hours later she had not found anything of any use at the library. She flooed Ginny and she sent over a couple of books.

"_Wow Hermione, I didn't know you were so kinky!" _

"_It's not that Ginny, I need it for research"_

"_Sure, Mione, more like you're finally going to take a stallion out to pasture huh?"_

"_Shut up Ginny, this is mortifying. You know the ministry paired me with someone and we need to be married by Sunday; I have no idea what to do. You know with school and the fight against Voldemort, I never had time to…you know."_

Just then Lavender's voice came through on the floo as well. Now both witches were having a go at Hermione.

"_Get out! Really? I mean, wow, you haven't ever? What about oral? Even though some say that isn't really sex, but nothing? "Lavender seemed to be trying to understand how someone can go so long. _

"_Nope, nada, nein! I just never got around to it guys. Please don't tell anyone. I feel like I have been deprived some sort of rite of passage."_

"_YOU HAVE" both voices answered in harmony. _

_Ginny continued "Well you are going to need more than a few books, I am meeting you tomorrow morning, early and we are going to go to that new shop in Hogsmeade 'Witches Secret' I heard they have all types of sexy lingerie. I am sure your new husband will really appreciate the effort." _

"_Count me in, I cannot miss this opportunity!" Lavender sounded almost giddy at the chance to make Hermione over. She had begged her repeatedly during her years as a student. Hermione had finally let her fix her hair and makeup for the Yule ball. Hermione had to admit that she had looked good that night and that Lavender really had a talent. _

"_By the way who did they pair you with?"Ginny asked, Hermione had been surprised she hadn't gotten around to it yet. _

"_You are never going to believe it"_

"_It's Snape right?" Ginny asked. _

"_How did you know?"_

"_Well Mione, to be honest, I kind of figured if it would be done by the old wizarding rights of pairing, you two are the most compatible people I have ever met. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife; I am surprised you never jumped his bones in school. I mean the way you went on and on about how he had saved you guys at the shrieking shack when Remus turned. We all had a bet going to see how long it would take you to go back to Hogwarts after University. I think Harry won the pool; even mom and dad had money down on how long it would take you two to hook up. Everyone heard how you defended him at the ministry and how you guys have been inseparable since you got back. Congratulations Hermione, I know that you guys will really get on well."_

_Hermione found that she had a bit of tears in her eyes; she knew all that Ginny was saying was true. _

"_I just never thought I had a shot with him, now if it wasn't because of this decree. What if he never would have wanted me that way?"_

"_Woman, please! You are beautiful and smart and he would be lucky to have you even notice his greasy ass! No offense Mione. But he is not a looker, sure he is brave and courageous, but he can also be a real bear and cruel in that whole Byronic hero way you adore. I am not surprised that the man hadn't already ravaged you! I saw you at the Halloween feast; and you guys looked like a couple." Lavender had her say. _

"_Yeah but"_

"_No buts missy! He was just probably thinking the same thing, that you would never want him. I mean really for two such intelligent people, it does not seem that you guys know your asses from holes in the ground!" Ginny was practically screaming. _

"_Thanks…I guess?"_

_"Be ready in the morning and read those books we sent through, pay extra attention to those pages that are dog-eared. If you see a star by any picture it means I have tried it and found it very pleasurable!"_

"_The ones with a smiley face really require warming up and a working knowledge of gymnastics!" Lavender followed, her voice excited at her contribution. _

"_Way too much information guys! But did you say stars and smiley faces?"Hermione flipped through some pages making mental notes. She found she had to turn the book almost completely around to see one of the images of the couple in mid coitus; they frowned at her from the picture seeming to be upset that she didn't let them finish. _

"_Yup!"the girls answered in unison._

"_See you guys tomorrow, and thanks again"_

Hermione tucked the book into her robe and headed back to her room. She wondered if she should share the book with Severus. Maybe they could research the act as though it were a potions experiment? Yes, that should work. The two of them could definitely make a go with a little book instruction.

They had a while before they had to consummate the marriage; they would work at this thing and make sure they each knew what they were getting into before fumbling about.

_**Meanwhile in another part of town….**_

Severus found that flying to Malfoy manor when he was well into his drinks was a lot easier to do than apparating and risking the chance of being splinched however it did nothing for his landing.

Picking himself up and dusting off his robes he staggered over to the door where Lucius was quietly laughing at his old friend.

"Severus, you always knew how to make an entrance"

"Oh bite me! Don't just stand there laughing like an errant schoolboy, get me a drink"

"This must be serious, we aren't even in the house yet and you are asking for a drink. Shall I summon the house elf for some food?"

"No the drink will do, whatever is the strongest, I am going to need all the liquid courage with what I have to talk to you about"

"Wow Severus, it must be bad"  
"You don't know the half of it Lucius. Where is Narcissa tonight?"

"She is out with her community outreach group. Since the end of the war she has been insistent about making amends to the victims of old Voldy."

They both spit at the mention of their old master.

"May he rot in hell!" they said in unison.

Lucius and Severus had been through a lot. They had hated each other but after so many years of shared moments and memories, they found they were the last living death eaters, a dying breed. They only had each other to rely on, so they decided to turn all that animosity into friendship and have since been like brothers…bastard brothers but brothers nonetheless. Azkaban had changed Lucius and Severus was grateful for it for the sake of his young son. Severus was Draco's godfather and had loved the boy since he first held him, but he knew that Draco needed a father that really cared about him and not appearances. It was his love for his godson that had him taking the vow to protect him in the end, it is also what changed things for Lucius. He thanked the gods that he was able to save that soul, even at the risk of damning his already blackened one. The blond haired wizard spoke breaking Severus' reverie.

"Have you seen this nonsense the ministry is doing? You're young Miss Granger is really giving them a run for their money in the press. Seems they want to rebuild our numbers. Forced marriages! How archaic!"

"You don't know the half of it."

"Don't tell me Severus…_you_? Oh Merlin this is too good" Lucius could not keep from laughing at the expression on his friend's face. He almost felt bad about laughing, but it was really priceless. He looked almost pained.

"That isn't the best part. You know how I owled you that I had been getting on lately with Miss Granger?"

"Yes I wasn't surprised to hear that. She seems to be your equal in a lot of ways. She is a bit of a spitfire isn't she? If I was only a few years younger, why do you mention her?"

"You know she didn't marry the orange menace right?"

"So she is single? That is good Severus, maybe the ministry will do something right and pair you two together, because Gods knows you would dance around the witch until she was in her grave before getting up the nerve to court her properly!"

"Must you always bring up the past?"

"Severus, you know perfectly well that Evans girl was crazy about you. You guys were inseparable but yet you couldn't find it in yourself to just ask her out. You fell into the 'friend zone' and all was lost. Potter swooped in with his cocky walk and talk and that hair and all was lost. Don't let this one slip through your fingers too Severus."

Severus knew that he had missed out on an opportunity with Lily. He knew he couldn't do anything about it now. To be honest he always thought they were perfect for each other until he saw her with Potter. He could not compete with that so he turned sour and away from her. He still regretted his lost friend.

"You're right"

"Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly? You are actually admitting that I was right?" Lucius' mouth was open in shock.

"Yes dammit you are right and I hope you heard me because I do not plan on repeating myself, I do have a reputation."

"This calls for a cigar"

"Since it's a day for 'firsts' I also need to ask for your counsel"

"Wow two for two, I am on a roll! _Blinky_, bring out the caviar" Lucius' only remaining elf popped into the room with a tray of caviar and a box of cigars.

"What is it that you need old friend? Whatever you need I am at your disposal."

Severus realized he couldn't get the words out, taking another swift drink he manned up and just let it out "The ministry has paired me with Miss Granger so I have that part taken care of however…"

"Well?...go on man, let it out!" Lucius scooped a caviar smeared cracker into his mouth.

Here goes nothing "_Idontknowwhattodoaboutthewed dingnightasIhaveneverbeenwit hawoman_"

Severus never knew that food could be projected that far as Lucius choked on the cracker and tried to compose himself.

"Good god man what you're kidding right?"

"Do you think I would kid about something like this Lucius? By the way you have caviar on your chin."

Wiping his face and using his wand to magic away the mess he turned to Severus with a look of awe and a bit of pity. "You mean to tell me Severus Snape that you are a virgin?"

Severus was mortified, he secretly wished the ground would open up and swallow him. This was madness, he never should have agreed to come and see Lucius, but Hermione was worth it and he had heard that Lucius had a wing of the library dedicated especially to erotica.

"Yes Lucius, I know your blond but could you rise above the stereotype!"

Lucius laughed even more, his eyes watered with tears and mirth.

"Even with all the revels? How did you avoid it?" Lucius asked again once he was able to form words without busting into more fits of laughter.

"I was too busy spying and I did not find it appealing to stick my wand into a witch soo many had used."

"Fine then, let's go to the library. I got some great stuff in recently we will take it slow. I think I have a copy of '_fornicating for dummies'"_

"You're a regular comedian aren't you Lucius?"

"Don't forget to tip your waiter on the way out!"

"You're. An. Idiot!"

Another fit of laughter and back slapping had Lucius guiding Severus to his vast collection of tomes. Among his connection were muggle movies. It seems that while on a ministry raid, Arthur Weasley had found a collection of electrical devices that had been altered to work with magic. It allowed them to work using a simple spell. Lucius of course being as connected as he was in the ministry managed to get his hands on not only the devices but some of the more salacious titles.

"Sit back and relax my friend, read what you like and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask."

While Severus looked around and pulled some books on different positions and some on virgin sex he heard the sound of the movie Lucius was playing. The images made his face turn red, he had seen revels but only masked men and women groping at each other, much of their clothes still on until they were out of site. These muggles on the screen of the device were completely naked. The woman writhed beneath the man moaning for more, her face contorted in ecstasy. He momentarily wondered how it would feel to have Hermione look at him like that. He felt the pressure in his britches and knew he had to go.

"Where are you going old friend?" Lucius stood turning to Severus as he saw him starting to retreat from the room.

"That is too much for me Lucius; I think these books will be fine." "That..." he pointed to the screen "is too advanced for me thank you."

"Well I do imagine you need to learn to crawl before you walk…but don't take that literally, that's a whole other lifestyle." He smiled as he shut the device off.

"Thank you"

"Just remember, Severus, this will be new for her as well. Play up the macho, women love power in a man. And for gods sakes rub one out before you do take her to your bed or it will be over before she's even started!"

"You are disgusting Lucius"

"I aim to please!'

"I marry tomorrow afternoon, be my witness?"

"Sure old friend, and if you have any trouble with your witch, Narcissa and I have an open relationship, I can come over and offer some firsthand advice." He waggled his eyebrows.

"Don't make me kill you old friend."

Lucius threw his head back in laughter. He hadn't had such a good laugh in ages. "Severus everything will be fine. Come in the morning, we'll have breakfast and I will take you to buy some new robes, consider it a wedding present."

Clutching the books tightly, he thanked Lucius and flew home to Hogwarts. Tomorrow would be a big day and he needed some rest.

As he lay in bed he read over some of the books Lucius had recommended. He wondered if maybe he should show them to Hermione, maybe they could research things together, like an experiment. Yes, that would be best, he would talk to Hermione. He closed the book on the witch and wizard who were happily mimicking what looked like dogs in heat and wondered what his name would sound coming from Hermione as she rode him. The image alone had him taking 'matters' into his own hands, he drifted off to sleep to images of his beautiful wife to be.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter X

A/N: Thank you all for your great reviews and follows. You guys are really special and I appreciate you taking the time to leave a few kind words and to read my little attempt at this fantastic pairing.

So we continue….

Slight change, the wedding was going to be Saturday evening, but we have changed that to Sunday evening due to unforeseen circumstances (i.e. typo).

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable in white robes? You know…virginal purity and all?" Lucius waved his elegantly manicured hand at Severus while hiding a smirk.

"You know for someone that struts around like a gay peacock most of the time, you take great liberties in mocking me Lucius." Severus shot back as he adjusted the front of his robes.

Severus ignored the peals of laughter from Lucius and tugged at the sleeves of the robe. He really didn't see why he needed new robes; didn't the groom always wear black anyway? Most of his…no, come to think of it _all_ of his robes were black.

"Do not think I will let you walk into wedded matrimony dressed in the same robes you attended meetings with Voldemort"

They both spit and exclaimed in unison, "May he rot in hell!"

"This is the longest I have ever taken to purchase anything, let alone robes Lucius, these will do just fine."

Turning to the shop owner and ignoring any further protests from Severus he asked for the midnight blue robes with a silvery white lining in the same size that Severus had on now.

"Well if you insist Lucius." Severus decided to make the best of his friend's generosity and secured a new pair of dragon hide boots and some new pants. He needed the new boots and he would never buy silk boxers on a teacher's salary, so let the peacock pay.

"You know dressed as you are today and me in these new robes we look like a pair of Muggle magicians, all we need is a white tiger and glitter!"

"Quit your complaining, you sound like an old maid!

Come let us get some lunch, Draco said he would be meeting us. He is very excited his godfather is getting married. I will leave it up to you to tell him to whom." Lucius smiled as he exited the shop.

"Bloody hell, the boy will have a field day!"

Severus could just imagine the look on Draco's face when he found out. Severus knew he would be mercilessly teased during lunch between Draco and Lucius he suddenly realized he might have preferred the white robes to this.

_I need a drink, a stiff drink…hmmm stiff…Severus…stay focused Hermione. _

Hermione stood inside the dressing room at Madame Malkin's. The robes chosen by Lavender and Ginny were almost indecent. _'I mean are my breasts supposed to be this close to my chin?'_

_I mean really, one of them made her look like one of those pirate hooker's on the cover of trashy romance novels one could find at the market check-out line. She wondered what Severus would look like with wind swept hair, his white shirt torn open billowing in the sea air, black knee high boots as he pillaged and plundered her body, his ahem… mast standing stiff and tall. This fantasy was getting away from her as she really considered buying the pirate hooker dress. _

Hermione did have to admit that a few of them did make her look damn good. She finally decided on a set of robes that looked more Muggle. She had seen the set of robes off to the end of a rack that was marked as clearance. Hermione could only imagine that it was at a reduced price because they didn't look like traditional robes, it looked more like something Hermione remembered seeing in a magazine at her parent's practice. The dress was an empire cut waist with a strapless bodice in a crisscross pattern. The cut worked to elongate Hermione's figure making her look taller than she was. The slimming effect of the cut and the Swiss dot tulle material that flowed around her made her look and feel like an angel. This was the dress she wanted to become Miss Hermione Snape in. She knew she sounded like an idiot in her mind but wow. The pure white tulle material had wisps of a midnight blue that reminded Hermione of the two tone gown that Fleur had worn at her wedding albeit hers was black and white. At the time Hermione thought it odd to have a two tone dress but this dress was calling to her. She looked sexy yet sweet. Innocent yet naughtyi. After that pirate fantasy, this would definitely do.

Just the look she was going for.

She hoped that the girls would not give her a hard time about it. The enchanted mirror in the dressing room spoke up breaking her inner monologue

"Dearie you look good enough to eat!"

"Thank you, I just hope my intended has a good appetite huh?" Hermione joked a bit with the mirror and found that she was feeling a little more confident knowing that at least the mirror liked the way she looked.

Stepping out of the dressing room heard her two friends deep in conversation

"…you need to grip it like this and then cup them below" Ginny held her hand up to show Lavender what she meant.

"Should I even ask what you're talking about?" Hermione spoke turning the attention of the two witches to her.

"Merlin's hairy balls Mione, you look hot! I mean classy but hot. If I swung that way or was really drunk I would totally hit on you!" Ginny said as she walked around Hermione looking at the gown from all angles.

"She is right Hermione, you look beautiful. Professor Snape is not going to know what to do with you!"

_Oh I hope he knows a bit more than me. _

"I think this is the one" Hermione blushed under all the attention; even the store clerk was commenting on how beautiful the robes were and how she was surprised someone hadn't already purchased them.

"They aren't very traditional which is probably why they hadn't sold yet, but they do look fabulous on you. Shall we ring everything up?"

Ginny had picked out a pair of white strappy heels and Lavender had chosen a beautiful flowered headpiece, the flowers were charmed to stay fresh for up to a year. Hermione almost felt like a princess; well almost until she noticed the very revealing pieces of lingerie that Ginny and Lavender had added to Hermione's robes.

"You are definitely going to need these." Lavender winked as she waved a white frilly thong at Hermione.

"What's wrong?" Ginny leaned over Hermione as she tried to catch her breath. Hermione suddenly found it difficult to catch her breath; she began to pace the length of the changing room. The enormity of the situation finally hit her "I am getting married! I am getting married to Severus Snape! I mean really, how did this happen?" She was starting to hyperventilate.

"Relax, Hermione, it's going to be okay." Ginny rubbed Hermione's back as she sat her down. She tried to comfort her friend not knowing really what to say, if she was honest with herself, she was glad it wasn't her in her friend's shoe.

Hermione put her head between her legs in an attempt to control her rising panic attack.

"What are you doing down there, I am sure you smell fine." Lavender asked a look of utter surprise on her face.

"I'm not smelling myself. It's a muggle technique aimed at controlling ones b-b-breathing.

This is all too much; I need to get out of here. I need a drink."

With her new robes in tow and her two friends she made her way to the Three Broomsticks.

Three fire whiskeys later she felt a bit more at ease.

Five drinks later she was openly signing on the table top with Ginny and Lavender as some of the patrons threw galleons at the table.

Countless drinks later had her considering the pirate hooker dress again.

Witches Gone Wild

By Rita Skeeter

_The newest ministry law has taken its toll on one of the Golden Trio. Last night on the eve of her wedding Miss Hermione Granger was seen partaking in her traditional hen party but it was anything but traditional as the photos included here will show that things definitely got a little out of control. Insiders have confirmed that Miss Granger has been matched with none other than her former potions professor and war hero Severus Snape. It seems she is devastated to have been roped into this sham marriage and was openly displaying her preference for the opposite sex. _

_When contacted Severus Snape was otherwise disposed as he celebrated his stag night in the company Lucius Malfoy and his son Draco Malfoy at 'The Flying Witch Gentlemen's Club' he had no comment except to say that he looked forward to and I quote "take his little witch for a ride on his broomstick!" It was obvious to this reporter that Professor Snape had been indulging in his cups as he was slurring his words and wearing what looked like a nipple pasty on his forehead. When prompted for further explanation his best man Lucius Malfoy responded with a rude gesture and a comment about where this reporter can shove her broom. _

_The marriage ceremony is said to take place this very night at Hogwarts. This reporter will be on the scene to assure to give my readers the best coverage possible. _

Minerva looked down at the pictures that showed Hermione having her breasts fondled by Ginerva Weasley while Lavender Brown flashed her knickers to the patrons as the three ladies danced very provocatively on the table tops of the Three Broomsticks and drank from very generous cups of what looked like whiskey. Hermione also had what looked like a white thong on her head. The image replayed itself as in a loop, prompting a giggle from the headmistress each time.

Minerva shook her head and had to stifle further laughter as she saw the picture of a very inebriated and dancing Severus Snape with a nipple pasty on his forehead while being led away from the gentlemen's club by an equally drunk Lucius and Draco Malfoy.

"If _this_ was the night before the wedding, I can only imagine what the reception will be like." She chuckled as she drank her morning tea.

iA/N: This is the image of the dress I found for our Miss Hermione. Product_Swiss-Dot-Tulle-Empire-Waist-Soft-Wedding-Gown-WG3438_Bridal-Gowns-Features-New-Arrivals


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